


Pretense

by the_throwaway_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Dancing, Drinking, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hogsmeade, Internal Conflict, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Marijuana, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Moony - Freeform, Padfoot - Freeform, Puppy Love, Song Lyrics, Werewolf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-09 19:15:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12894891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_throwaway_account/pseuds/the_throwaway_account
Summary: Maybe losing control can be a blessing in disguise. A Wolfstar story about confused motives and false assumptions taking place just before/during 7th year."Yes, Sirius," Lupin bit out. "I want to fight you. Lord knows that would be easier.""Easier than what?"





	1. Letters

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very light kind of AU simply because I mention and refer to musicians and songs from much later than the Marauder's years of childhood. In this AU I imagined the legal drinking age for wizards to be 16 and the curfew for 7th years on Hogsmeade weekends to be midnight. 
> 
> (A somewhat less polished version of this story is posted on ff.net under the-throwaway-account.)

Early in the summer holidays after 6th year, Sirius Black got into an especially intense argument with his mother. She had expressed dire disappointment that the Ministry of Magic (by an alarmingly narrow margin) failed to garner enough votes to lawfully restrict the voting rights of werewolves.

“The very idea that those drooling, mindless beasts have a voice in any government activity is simply appalling. Filthy things should all be put down,” she spat.

Suffice it to say, Sirius hadn’t been able to hold his tongue.

After failing, as usual, to force some sense of logic or decency into the moody matriarch, Sirius was banished to his bedroom, and he was all too happy to oblige. He locked his door behind him, taking deep breaths in an effort to calm his anger.

Acting on reflex, Sirius pulled out a black leather journal he wrote into whenever his thoughts overwhelmed him. As he sat down at his desk, though, the quill hovered over the parchment, suddenly hesitant. Black realized he didn’t feel like writing to no one, or rather, to himself. He needed someone else to hear him.

When the first person to come to mind was Remus, Sirius told himself it was because of the werewolf law argument, or perhaps because Moony was the one who had suggested journaling for stress relief in the first place.

He expertly ignored the fact that he’d been longing to talk or write to Remus about more than Quidditch, music, and prank ideas for a very long time, but had felt an absurd shyness about it. That he wanted to tell Lupin about his earliest memories, his most secret dreams, and oldest fears was hidden away with all the stubborn determination of a teenage boy in denial.

His hand shook just slightly, and only at the start of the letter, as the longer he wrote the more it felt right to be telling the bookish Marauder what was truly on his mind.

He found himself telling Lupin things even James didn’t know details about— how his mother used to drink too much, throw things, and hit him when he was younger, and how she seemed to have calmed down after he left for Hogwarts.

Sirius hadn’t realized until writing to Remus that he felt a quiet but deep-rooted guilt regarding the timing of his mother’s alcoholism recovery. It seemed she was able to control herself more only after he was away from her. Even though she stubbornly held on to horrid ideals, she was still his mother and it hurt to know he could apparently cause her so much disappointment and stress that she turned to alcohol for relief.

It was only after putting the note in the envelope that a sense of finality and apprehension struck Sirius again, and he had the fleeting thought to rip up or perhaps burn the letter. Instead, he sent the owl away quickly before he could change his mind.

* * *

He was more than a little nervous while waiting for a reply, but luckily, he didn’t have to wait long. It seemed as though Remus wrote back immediately.

 _He’s probably just bored._ Sirius thought to himself when the letter arrived faster than usual.

He was relieved, but not altogether surprised when Remus took the suddenly more personal letter format in perfect stride. Moony responded to Black’s revelations with compassion that was somehow not tinged with pity, and Sirius was infinitely grateful.

Lupin surprised Black by recounting his own guilt concerning his parents, how their once modest but stable wealth was dwindled from looking for a cure for his condition and traveling to avoid his secret being discovered. He explained how his parents lost their closest friends, and seemed to age the span of ten years within the first year of his lycanthropy. He told Sirius that some strange part of him wished, however illogically, that they could have been angry with him instead of themselves. He told Sirius how their self-hatred and guilt hurt him, how their sad smiles and pity burned him like “dozens of tiny silver needles twisting into the back of my neck”.

Sirius was at times taken aback by the vivid way Remus expressed himself, his phrasing bordering on poetic, especially when writing about emotional or mental difficulties. Black found that he could clearly hear Moony’s voice in his mind as he read, and he wondered if the same was true for his own writing. He hoped so, even if his style was decidedly less polished.

Emboldened by the cushioning effect of physical and temporal distance, Sirius found himself asking Remus more about lycanthropy. He was amazed at how many aspects of his friend’s life were affected by the wolf’s bite.

Remus explained how a large reason why he was so obsessive about following the rules at school, especially early on, was because he grew up thinking he would never be allowed to step foot inside Hogwarts. He didn’t want to give anyone a reason to expel him or doubt his right to be there. Sirius felt a wave of guilt wash over him at this thought, although nothing in Remus’ words implied any blame. He found himself apologizing when he wrote back, but Lupin assured him he was responsible for all his own actions.

Moony talked about how there were entire groups of witches and wizards who believe werewolves shouldn’t be allowed to practice magic at all, that their Dark nature made them inherently evil and far too dangerous. He explained that because of this, ever since finding out he’d be allowed to gain a proper magical education, he vowed to study harder than anyone, especially in Defense Against the Dark Arts, to counterbalance his Dark blood and earn the respect and trust of those bitter, faceless masses. He wanted to prove them all wrong.

This stubborn side of Remus was new to Sirius, and he felt an additional kindred bond to the young werewolf. He replied in words with what he’d always tried to convey with his actions— his determination to prove that not all those carrying the name of Black were rotten. He longed to assert that he was separate from his family, disconnected from their ancient traditions of closed-mindedness and cruelty.

In the next letter, Remus began by asserting “From all the time I’ve known you, I can conclude quite easily that you are a Black by name only. Your mentality and point of view are entirely your own, and it’s one of my favorite things about you”. Black felt a pocket of warmth unfold in his chest as he read and re-read the beginning of the letter, which he chose to keep in the drawer at his bedside instead of at his desk.

Sirius found out that even smaller aspects of Lupin’s life were colored by his curse. He had never known Remus had longed to try out to be a Beater on the Quidditch team, but he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to keep the strength of his swing reasonable in the heat of competition. He was afraid of someone getting hurt.

Sirius had no way to know that, in a similar vein, the brain power behind the Marauder’s schemes loved the feeling of regimented, repetitive exercise because it helped him feel in control of his body that “doesn’t always feel like my own, even in human form”. Remus explained that he felt conflicted at the very idea of working out. He wanted to be fit to withstand his transformations as well as possible, but he also dreaded the thought of giving the wolf any additional strength.

The way Remus wrote of the layers of complication in his mind and life deepened Black’s respect for him. Lupin always had other’s needs prioritized over his own, and seemed so patient about the endless sacrifices that were made for the sake of secrecy and safety.

Sirius always knew Moony was compassionate and complex, of course, but only now did he get a close insight into his friend’s level of self-awareness and strength of character. Remus seemed so much more grown than someone their age had any right to be, and Sirius found himself truly infatuated.

* * *

With just a couple weeks until school started again, Black received a letter that seemed to have been written with more haste than previous notes. Sirius noticed the handwriting seemed a little large and the lines of text angled downward. The letter was brief, almost more of a check-in, except for the end where it was written

_… I had been seeing a girl for most of the summer, and she broke it off with me today. I saw it coming easily, but didn’t try to stop it. I find myself more angry than sad._

_I don’t know why I do this to myself. I know I won’t be able to trust anyone— not in that way. And how can they trust me when I have to lie about what I really am? It’s unfair for everyone involved._

_Sometimes I surprise myself with my selfishness. I wish I was mature enough to feel stupid without getting angry, but I’m not there yet._

_Oh well, it’s over with now, and the distance would have been hard to deal with, anyway. I’ll be very glad to be back at school, that’s for certain._

_… I suppose that’s enough melodrama for now. Thanks for reading, Padfoot._

_— Rem_

Sirius’ chest unexpectedly felt tight as he read as multiple emotions fought for dominance. He was jealous that Remus had been seeing a girl, disappointed that it was a girl in the first place, glad they broke up, but sad that his friend felt so lonely.

Taking a deep breath, Sirius brought out parchment and began writing back. He found himself avoiding the topic of the breakup up until he was about to sign his name. He shook his head and told himself he was being stupid. It would be rude, and possibly even suspicious, not to address the entire last part of Lupin’s letter. He dipped his quill into the inkwell, brow furrowed in thought. Finally he wrote:

_… I’d try not to worry so much about girls, Moony. We’re still young, after all! There’s plenty of time to meet someone.. They say stuff like that happens when you least suspect it, so maybe try looking in unexpected places…? I’m honestly not too sure, haha._

_I’m also glad to be seeing you, James, and Peter soon. Everything in its proper time, I guess. Talk to you later._

_♡ Sirius_

It wasn’t until Black re-read the letter that he noticed he had drawn a small heart next to his name. After some thought, he decided not to change it. He told himself it was harmless, friendly affection. After all these personal letters, there was no denying their new level of closeness, right?

Nevertheless, he found himself gritting his teeth as he watched his owl take flight. He knew Remus would notice, but had no idea how he’d respond.

* * *

Sirius didn’t receive a letter back until two days before school was set to begin. He didn’t seem in total control of his body as he ripped open the note, eyes jumping to his friend’s signature. When he saw how the letter was signed, he released a breath he hadn’t been aware of holding. The letter ended simply:

_♡ Remus_

Although he realized he was being ridiculous, Sirius couldn’t fight the grin tugging at his mouth.


	2. Firsts

As he sat in the train compartment with James and Peter, Sirius was anxious for Lupin's arrival. He wasn't sure how different their interaction would be now that they knew each other a good deal better. He forced deep, slow breaths, annoyed at how his heart seemed to be racing like a nervous rabbit instead of the noble lion he rightfully was. Sirius was telling himself to simply act normal, nothing much had really changed, when there were three quick knocks on the compartment door before it opened to reveal the fourth and final Marauder.

"Well, well, if it isn't Remus 'Always Late' Lupin," said Peter with a grin.

"So kind of you to grace us with your presence," Sirius drawled, standing to help him put his trunk in the storage compartment. He noticed doing this, with surprise, that Remus seemed to have grown at least three inches over the summer. He was now only slightly shorter than Black himself.

"Thanks," Moony said lowly to Sirius.

Then he addressed the group, "And you guys know it's really Remus 'Would Always Be On Time, Maybe Even Early, if it Weren't for His Clingy Mum and Lazy Friends' Lupin." He sat next to Sirius with a dignified huff.

"Hey, no need to drag Sirius and Pete into this!" James cried.

"Yeah, yeah," Remus said, smiling. "We all know you're the worst one." He settled lower into his seat, crossing his arms and shaking the hair from his eyes.

Black struggled to keep from staring.

He remembered from their correspondence that Remus had gotten a job at a muggle greenhouse and flower shop, and the sun certainly seemed to agree with him. The lycanthrope's skin had a warm depth of color he'd never seen before, and his thick, wavy hair didn't seem to have been cut all summer. It now reached to his chin and had sun-dyed streaks in it that were so light brown they were practically blonde.

He seemed to have spent his new income wisely also, as his clothes were new and fit him better than usual. His dark blue jeans hugged his thighs, and the stripes on his grey and burgundy jumper accentuated the new width of his shoulders.

What was troubling, though, was the claw mark scar visible across Remus' face. The sight simply tore at Black’s heart, but he and the other boys knew better than to bring it up.

* * *

 That night, after settling in post-feast, it surprised no one when Sirius brandished a bottle of Firewhiskey and 4 glass tumblers. He motioned for the other boys to gather on his bed before pouring for each of them.

"Here's to the beginning of the end!" The pureblood proclaimed, and the Marauders raised their glasses. The way the alcohol glinted in the torch light was beautiful, and Remus was struck by the image the four of them made there, in their bed clothes, finally seventh years. So much had changed, and things would only change faster from then on. Lupin wondered if their friendship would survive.

Remus' eyes drifted to Sirius and his chest constricted. A sudden thought came unbidden to his mind, burning through his brain the way his drink tore down his throat. He realized if something happened to the Marauders, Padfoot would be the one he would miss the most.

Exactly when had this favoritism developed? Why did he suddenly feel like he was running out of time for a reason deeper and more personal than simply being close to graduation? Remus gulped down his drink and poured himself another.

* * *

 Alcohol, as usual, acted as a sedative for Wormtail, so he retired to bed soon after snacks were rummaged through. Prongs, who was a bit of a wild card, sometimes crashing early and sometimes pushing through to outlast everyone else, was not long after him. He cited his duties as Head Boy and seeing Lily as his reason for turning in, much to Sirius' teasing and Remus' understanding.

Remus and Sirius agreed wordlessly to make their way to the common room, which was now deserted. The pair posted up in front of the fire, which was low, but still adequate.

"You want a smoke?" Sirius said not long after they were alone.

Remus narrowed his eyes. "What kind of smoke?" He said, although he had smelled the weed well before it was visible.

"The good kind," Sirius said.

"Why do you always ask? You know my answer," Remus replied, setting down a few more snacks, mostly Black's favorites, nearby just in case.

Black shrugged elegantly, and his oversized Nirvana t-shirt shifted to reveal a sharp collar bone.

"I only know your usual answer. I don't pretend you're predictable, Moony. You could change your mind. You're your own man, after all."

Lupin sighed. He knew it was a ploy, and Padfoot meant no harm, but his words stung because Remus knew, deep down, that he was most definitely not his own man; he held himself back from doing what he truly desired.

There was a lengthy pause.

When Sirius turned away to exhale, a shorter bit of silken, stick-straight hair fell from his ponytail, and Remus thought— How many more times would he be alone with Sirius before school ended? One day he might not offer to share, or he wouldn't be in his life at all, and he'd never know what smoking was like, because he certainly didn't trust himself to try it around anyone else.

So he tried it. It took a couple attempts to inhale correctly, but Sirius encouraged him, saying when he first tried, he'd had a wicked coughing fit.

The next couple hours passed in a disjointed whirl of talking, laughing, and eating. Remus was feeling proud of himself for trying something new, and grateful for the experience… grateful to know, let alone be friends with, Sirius Black.

* * *

 Lupin went back to the dorm room before Sirius, and had just finished cocooning himself in the blankets when his bed curtain was pulled open.

"Wrong bed, Padfoot."

The brunette shook his head stubbornly. "No, it's not," he said with an odd little laugh Remus could only describe as adorable.

Remus frowned. His friend’s words took a moment to register, and when they did, he was thoroughly embarrassed.

"Oh, I'm in your bed? I'm sorry." He sat up like a tightly wound mummy, struggling to free his arms. He pushed himself onto his knees, and the bed felt like it tilted under him. He swayed, but Sirius' hand on his shoulder steadied him.

"Just lay down," he said.

Overwhelmed by the heat radiating from Black's touch, Remus complied mutely.

Sirius climbed into the bed, carefully closing the curtain behind him. Then he simply sat up against the headboard, seemingly at a loss for what to do or say. The silence that fell between the two boys was surprisingly comfortable, despite the unusual position they were in.

After a few minutes, Remus spoke. "You're not tired?"

"No."

Remus sighed, even though he knew he wasn't quite ready for sleep either. He sat up and took his wand from under his pillow. He made a brisk circular movement with it and a single bubble formed slowly at the tip, that was filled with glowing smoke. The light was warmer and less harsh than a Lumos spell. A gentle flick of the wrist set the bubble off to float to the top of the canopy, where it bounced a little, but did not pop.

Remus couldn't help the smile playing on his lips as he saw Sirius looking on with wide eyes.

 _Those dangerous silver eyes._ Lupin thought.

Ever the perfectionist, he pointed his wand at the bubble and guided it to the center of the canopy. He then set a silencing charm around the bed to not disturb the two dozing Marauders.

"Mmm." Sirius said, sounding impressed. "Never seen that one before."

"Yeah, it's pretty obscure. Safer and more fun than fire for small children. It used to help with nightmares sometimes." Remus said unthinkingly. He pursed his lips worriedly at this impromptu revelation, which normally would have only been brought up in a letter.

Black just nodded. "I like it," he said, bunching up pillows to lay back on and stare at the apple-sized orb. Remus mirrored him so that both boys were lounging, lost in their separate thoughts for a while.

Before long Lupin saw out of his peripheral vision that Black’s gaze was shifting slowly towards him. The young werewolf was thankful for the dim light hiding his blush, but then he felt his heart sink as he remembered his new scars.

"It's rude to stare at people's disfigurements, you know," Lupin said patiently.

Not for the first time, Remus was thankful for all his practice at keeping emotion out of his voice, off his face, because with Sirius right there, in the same bed, he was aching to pull him close.

"It's not a disfigurement," Black answered, sounding affronted at the very thought.

Remus was waiting for Sirius to say the scars looked cool and intimidating, but instead, in a softer voice than he was expecting—

"It just proves how strong you are, in more than one way. You outgrew your old restraints, right?"

"Yeah," Remus said simply. He met Black's eyes briefly, and was surprised at the sadness he found there.

"I wish I could have been there," Sirius said.

 _Me, too._ Remus thought, although he couldn't bring himself to say the words aloud. He said them again in his head, more earnestly, willing the message to come through subliminally.

Looking away, Black cuddled closer to Remus, whose heart seemed to leap into his throat.

"You know Padfoot is the wolf's favorite," he said.

Remus felt a lazy smile on his lips at feeling Sirius pressed against him. He embraced the fuzziness in his mind from the alcohol and marijuana. That's what it was, surely. It was impossible for him to be so calm otherwise.

"Mmhm. It's that canine mystique," Remus said sleepily. "There's no fighting it."

Lupin let his eyes drift closed. He felt so relaxed, his limbs so heavy, he imagined that if his life depended on standing and walking, he wouldn't be able to, and that would be fine.

* * *

 Remus felt soft lips at the corner of his mouth, and at first thought he was dreaming. It was only when a firm, warm hand was on his chin, turning his head gently, did he realize he wasn’t truly asleep.

He gasped like one waking from a falling dream, and his body acted of its own accord. He pushed up into the kiss into a sitting position, pulling Sirius up with him. His right hand slid down the brunette’s back to rest at his hip, gripping his threadbare shirt. The moan elicited from Black at this contact almost frightened Lupin, as it sounded just like he'd imagined.

The kiss was languid and modest, more like a flower chain of shy, exploratory moves drifting from mouth to cheek to neck and back again. Sirius bit softly down on Remus' lower lip, and the half-blood was dimly embarrassed by the little pleased "ah" sound he made, but only for a moment. When he felt Black's mouth smile against his, he no longer cared.

Although the kiss was slow and leisurely, the action seemed to sap what little energy the pair had left and, without much grace, they laid down together. Lupin felt like he was watching from outside his body. In foggy disbelief, he saw Black's hand on his chest, holding his arm.

* * *

Remus blinked and was in his body again. He looked to his side, where Sirius was curled up low on the bed, his left hand still holding him at the elbow, forehead pressed against his arm. Lupin was having a hard time believing what just happened. He remained frozen for a long moment, and jumped when the night light bubble extinguished and popped silently. Sirius shifted and Remus felt one, two soft kisses on his arm, and soon slow, deep breathing told Lupin the other boy was fast asleep.

Remus licked his lips that still tasted like Sirius, like smoke and alcohol. He frowned into the darkness and closed his eyes, trying to just enjoy the moment. He would not dwell right now on the fact that this could never happen when Sirius was sober, could never happen again. He would deal with his feelings later.


	3. Proximity

After an uneasy doze, Remus awoke before Sirius and anyone else in the dorm. He realized he was in fact not in his own bed and inwardly cringed. He grabbed his wand and snuck back to his proper place silently. It was too early for breakfast, and not feeling the least bit refreshed, Lupin laid down to rest his eyes.

He was torn precisely down the middle between making himself forget how it felt to wake up beside Sirius and carefully crystalizing the memory in his mind forever. Already a dichotomous soul thanks to his lycanthropy, Remus wondered grimly how many more times his mind could be divided before he finally fell apart.

Briefly, he felt a bit used by Black. He remembered how he had tried to get out of the bed, but was told to lay down. He had been half asleep and vulnerable when Sirius kissed him, having smoked marijuana for the first time and so naturally having no tolerance.

He tried to make himself angry at the pureblood, but failed spectacularly in the face of the facts: that he had been, at his core, still in his right mind the previous night, that he had wanted to kiss Sirius, and perhaps most importantly, the fact that if he would've resisted his friend would have certainly backed off immediately, probably feeling mortified.

Lupin worked to isolate the memory of their night together in his mind where it would be safe from over-analyzation and the questions and regret that would accompany such dissection. He surprised himself by being reasonably successful in his efforts. So, the recollection sat nestled in the back of his consciousness looking, in his mind's eye, very much like the charmed golden orb that had alighted the most wondrous part of the experience.

* * *

Sirius didn't say anything the next day, or week, or month about what happened on their first day back at school. Remus was mostly glad for this, but also a bit disappointed. It was as if it never happened. Lupin decided that the brunette simply didn't remember, and he partly wished he could say the same for himself.

If he had been consciously trying to get closer to Black, he would have called this latest development a one step forward, two steps back situation, because Sirius was treating Remus the same way he'd always been treated, which was all well and good, but after their summer correspondence the emotional distance was more noticeable.

It was disappointing and a bit confusing, but Remus was as determined as ever not to rock the boat or arouse suspicion. So, the lycanthrope followed Sirius' lead and pretended everything was normal. He comforted himself with the knowledge of Black's unyielding friendship and distracted himself with an almost unnatural (even for him) focus on his studies. A few months went by in this manner, with no one the wiser of Remus' inner turmoil.

* * *

However, as the Hogsmeade weekend for early December approached, Moony's mental resolve was greatly compromised.

For the past couple years, the holiday season had been a bit melancholy for Remus, as he secretly wished to be finding the perfect gift for a special someone. As silly as it was, he also wished someone was thinking of him in a way beyond friendship or familial care. He longed for the days when he could look upon the various cuddling couples shopping or dining and feel neutral towards them instead of jealous. It was definitely easier to notice loneliness in sunless seasons.

This being the last December at Hogwarts added to the gloomy aura surrounding the moody lycanthrope. He couldn't seem to banish a large ticking clock from his mind counting down the remaining time in school in glaring neon numbers.

The final straw had been when Sirius announced he'd be spending the treasured outing with the latest of his romantic pursuits, Philip Rosenguard, star Chaser of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team. So, while he was originally going to stay at school to avoid the intrusive cheer sure to depress him further, Remus made the executive decision that he was going to go out and spend time with James and Peter.

This decision came about after much more deliberation and fretting than an average teenager would usually have to cope with. As usual, Lupin could blame mother moon for this.

Remus had developed a series of rules over time, both for his own protection and the protection of others. One of which was to abstain from becoming intoxicated too close to the full moon. Lowered inhibitions and heightened confidence simply did not bode well for a person with a wolf lurking just beneath the surface.

The closest to the moon he'd let himself get drunk had been six days before, thankfully to no ill effect. Lupin knew it was risky to go out into Hogsmeade for drinks with the full being only four days out, but he reasoned he was less likely to act out if Sirius wasn't around.

This logic, however, didn't keep Remus from feeling nervous as he got ready to leave the school grounds. As a small comfort to himself, he chose to wear his favorite oversized, sage-green jumper.

* * *

 A little-known side-effect of the accelerated metabolism of lycanthropes is that they can handle their alcohol much better than a normal person.

 _I really should write a book._ Lupin thought to himself as he stood at the bar of Lay Grindylow waiting for his next beer-and-shot combo. He imagined the following text in a proper, scholarly font:

'I have personally conducted extensive research on the matter of werewolves' tank-like tolerance for intoxication. While the late nights and early mornings were exhausting, I believe they have been made worthwhile thanks to the precise data gathered.

For example, I have discovered that if a lycanthrope imbibes one straight alcohol shot in addition to each beer enjoyed by himself and his companions, the resulting levels of inebriation are relatively well balanced.'

Remus smiled as he wiped the alcohol from his mouth with his sleeve before taking his beer back to the booth where James and Peter were seated. He embraced the warmth spreading from his gut to his chest and arms, mind blissfully distracted from the dark-haired specter that haunted it with his sharp grey eyes and easy laughter.

Lupin knew from experience that it was impossible to banish Sirius from his mind completely, but thankfully the alcohol helped him detach from the situation and observe it from a less painful distance.

However, since this was the Endlessly Complicated and Mildly Torturous Life of Remus John Lupin™, the very moment he thought he might go a whole evening without dwelling on Black, the man himself walked into the bar, smooth as silk.

* * *

 Sirius didn't see them yet, and James was still deeply engaged with Peter, trying to devise his next move with a Hufflepuff girl that had shown some interest, so Moony allowed himself a good look at the boy he'd so avidly been hoping to escape from.

He was in his go-to date night uniform: plain black v-neck tee and 'lucky' red plaid overshirt tucked into tight black jeans. (Lupin did his best not to imagine how the cozy-looking shirt earned such a title.) His hair was out of the customary knot in the back of his head and fell to frame his face and flow down between his shoulders. The real kicker, of course, was his trademark leather jacket hugging around his shoulders, somehow looking tight and comfortable at once.

With his lupine hearing, Remus noticed how the wrist buckles clinked against the bar as he ordered his drink. He saw Black make the bartender laugh with just a few words and a quick smile.

Moony turned away with plenty of time to look back up as Black approached their table.

"Hello, boys," he said without preamble, sitting next to Remus and stretching his legs off to the side luxuriously.

Remus decided in that moment, definitively, that life was in fact an obscenely unfair game. He was sure some omnipotent deity was hovering high above him, laughing their head off. No one should be allowed so much physical magnetism to make sitting down and saying hello so damn mesmerizing.

There was a small cheer around the table and Lupin was alarmed by how badly he wished to rest his head on Sirius' shoulder. The prey-animal scent of leather positively sent a shiver down his spine, especially this close to the moon. His hand gripped the bottle in front of him as he tried to clear his head. It was no use; he couldn't quite focus. How much did he have to drink?

Remus glanced around and felt a sense of distance and closeness with his surroundings at once. Beneath the jacket, Sirius' cologne brought to mind a warm forest at sunset. He had a fleeting thought about how nice it would be if Sirius put cologne on for his benefit, and in his buzzing mind he decided that this thought was not pathetic, but sweet.

* * *

"What happened to your date with Phil?" James asked.

Sirius scoffed and made a dismissive gesture with one hand. "Stupid git," he mumbled. He took a sip of his beer and swept his gaze around the bar.

"What happened?" Peter pressed, looking a little concerned.

Black's eyes flickered to each of his friends. He cleared his throat and sat up straighter to lean on the table.

"One drink, gentleman," he declared with theatrical relish, holding up a finger. "All it took was one drink before this idiot started rambling about the importance of blood purity and how 'people like us' ought to stick together and all that fine rot. So, I told him to sod off."

"Geez," said Peter sadly, shaking his head. Sirius sighed and threw back his beer again.

"You'd think a Ravenclaw would be a little more enlightened than that." James put in, an annoyed wrinkle between his brows.

"I don't know," Peter said. "My father always says, 'There's some of every kind in every House.'"

There was a moment's pause in which the Marauders pondered this bit of wisdom.

"I still think the sorting hat missed the mark with that one," Sirius added, shrugging. "Even before he started ranting, there was something… I don't know, kind of shallow about whatever he said."

"Wow, Padfoot, I'm impressed." Remus said before he could stop himself. "You were actually hoping for some substance to be behind this latest pretty face? Maybe even… a meaningful conversation?"

"Woah, ouch." James laughed, and Peter grinned broadly.

"Oh, shove off, you… cider-drinker," he finished lamely, clearly caught off guard by this level of attitude from the usually polite lycanthrope. He causally pulled some of his hair to the side of his face to hide his blush.

Feeling vaguely guilty, but also like he'd just won something, Remus finished off the aforementioned Hexed Pear beer.

"Move over. I'm closing out. 'M tired of this place," he said, and Black stood.

"Also, I can't help it if I appreciate the sweeter aspects of life," Moony added as he scooted over in the booth.

Remus stood and straightened his hole-y jean jacket. He paused, realizing he left his bottle on the table, and reached over for it with no regard of Sirius' personal space. Black was therefore enveloped in an enchanting scent of rosemary and vanilla that was gone again much too quickly for his liking.

"Besides," Remus continued in a brisk, matter-of-fact tone. "Ciders have a higher than average alcohol content. I'm just being efficient, cost-effective."

He gave a little roll of his shoulders, locking eyes with Sirius, who was struck by the pale, vivid color. It was the kind of shade usually only created by sunlight through a leaf.

"We're not all of us made of money, you know." He finished lowly as he smirked- actually smirked- at the canine animagus before turning and walking toward the crowded bar. As he strode away, he seemed to take up more space than usual.

 _Merlin, that was fucking sexy._ Sirius thought. He sat on the edge of the seat, only half turned toward the table. He stared at the label on his bottle of muggle American beer. Lay Grindylow was owned by a Squib and her American muggle husband, so a wide array of drink options was always available. They also accepted both muggle and magical currency.

Sirius couldn't recall ever seeing Moony so drunk. Did this happen often when he wasn't around? His heart sank as he realized maybe Remus didn't trust him or feel comfortable enough to relax to such an extent in his presence.

Quickly though, a more pressing question fought for and won focus in Black's mind. Would something physical happen between them again? He simultaneously hoped and doubted it would, considering the distance the werewolf seemed determined to maintain between them recently.

Sirius thought of their old letters and their kiss, wondering dimly which form of intimacy he missed more. He honestly couldn't say, they each hurt in a different way.

His sad reverie was interrupted by Peter.

"I think Moony forgot some of his bottle," he said quietly, picking up and dropping rolled up bits of beer labels left in the half-blood’s wake.

"Huh," said James. "You know what that means, right?"

With considerable effort, Sirius tore his eyes away from Remus' bum. The werewolf was leaning against the bar. One brown boot was up on the step, bouncing a steady rhythm.

"What, he's nervous?" Black ventured, turning to James, who had his sleepy face on.

"No," the bespectacled Marauder said, yawning right on cue. "He's frustrated, sexually."

Peter made an odd squeaking sound as he yawned and laughed at once, but James was looking at Sirius strangely, hazel eyes piercing, almost like—

 _He knows._ Black thought wildly. He rolled his eyes and scoffed at James' poor psychoanalysis.

 _Get a hold of yourself. You're paranoid._ He told himself.

* * *

 Remus appeared again at the table. Sirius made room for him to sit, but he didn't.

"Where to next?" He said, looking around the table.

"Home to bed," James said immediately, feeling absolutely no shame to be turning in. Peter nodded enthusiastically.

Remus sighed and looked to Sirius with his startling eyes.

"I don't care, as long as it's not home to bed," Black said.

"Good. Let's get going," Remus said, turning to march toward the exit.

"Wait, where?" Sirius said, standing quickly.

He turned to James and Peter saying, "We'll see you guys later."

"See ya," said Peter.

"Have fun," James said.

In his somewhat flustered state, Sirius thought he saw Prongs wink at him.


	4. Abandon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs referenced are by AWOLNATION

With the way Remus had vanished from the bar, Sirius half expected to be chasing him down the street, but it turned out he didn't have to look far. The Gryffindor prefect was standing not three meters away, staring at the moon.

Black stood silent a moment, appreciating the lines of his friend's profile. His eyes lingered on his full bottom lip which was jutting out slightly in a small, thoughtful frown.

"Hey," Black said, most eloquently.

"Hey," Moony said wonderingly, gaze still transfixed by the waxing satellite.

"You know, it's funny and sad at the same time," he mused. "When I feel like this, it's almost a beautiful thing. I'm not as scared of it. I'm almost not scared of anything. I almost feel normal."

"Oh, damn," he said, finally looking at Sirius. "That's not good." He grinned wryly and shook his head.

"Isn't that what alcoholics say? That drinking helps them feel normal and function better?"

They shared a smile, and Sirius was glad the somber moment was over.

"I'm sure you'll be fine," Black said. "Now where are we going?"

"You'll see," Remus said.

* * *

Sirius was led in an unfamiliar direction, and soon they were entering a small pocket of muggle-looking businesses, mostly closed for the night. Sirius frowned as they crossed the street past a corner shop that felt vaguely unsafe despite the bright street lamp. He skipped up to be beside Lupin.

"Do you know where you're going?" He asked, trying not to sound as doubtful as he was starting to feel. After the barest, invisible hesitation he placed an arm across the werewolf's shoulders protectively.

"Mmm, of course I do," intoned Remus, grasping Sirius' hand briefly but firmly. He cocked his head and raised his shoulder, squeezing the animagus' arm in a sort of armless hug. Every bit of contact, even through clothing, made shockwaves of warmth pulse through Black's body despite the chilled night air.

Finally, they turned a corner and Lupin said, "Here we are."

Sirius decided not to mention how relieved his friend sounded to have found the place. Not far ahead now, there was a warehouse with a sign glowing eerily in blue neon.

"Digits?" Sirius read. "A club?"

The pureblood wasn't sure what he had been expecting, but this was not it. Perhaps a late-night coffee spot, or even a book or antique shop with odd hours would have more neatly fit into the mental image he had of his quiet friend.

Remus didn't seem to notice the note of surprise in the brunette's voice. "I suppose, but it's more like a dive," he said. "They have cheap drinks, loud, sometimes good music, and room to dance."

"So, a club," Black smiled.

"Not really," Remus insisted. "The word 'club' has a nicer connotation, don't you think?"

Sirius realized that it made sense that an inebriated Moony would become oddly fixated on details such as diction, so he decided to drop the conversation.

* * *

As they approached the club, Sirius detached himself from the werewolf even as his chest seemed to constrict because of the new distance. Now that they weren't going to be alone, he didn't want to make Remus uncomfortable. But what if he was now more uncomfortable than before? Could his arm around the light-haired boy possibly be a welcome intrusion into his personal space?

 _Woah, I need to relax._ Sirius thought. He then took what seemed to be the most logical course of action in that moment, and reached into the inner pocket of his jacket as they stopped outside the building.

"You wanna share a smoke?" He said, turning away from Remus to block the wind and light up.

"The good kind?" Sirius could hear the smile in his friend’s voice and felt his anxiety dissolve a bit.

"Of course," he answered, turning back around.

Meanwhile, a frantic jumble of thoughts bombarded Remus.

He knew he wanted the weed, but why did he want it? Was he hoping for a repeat of the first time? What kind of masochist was he if that was what he was longing for? Did Sirius realize how loaded his question was? Did he want to repeat what happened last time?

This mental whirlwind all took place within just a few seconds, and Remus heard himself say "Sure, fuck it."

They stood in amiable silence for a while, electronic music heard from inside the building.

"I finally listened to that album you let me borrow," Sirius said. "It was really good. Not what I'm used to, but I still liked it. Especially—"

"Wait, wait, don't tell me," Remus interrupted him. "I have an idea," he said as Black handed him the discreet one-hitter.

"Instead of talking about it, we should go in there and request our favorite song from the record. I'm sure they'll be different."

"Rem, you're a genius," Sirius grinned.

The werewolf just shrugged as he took one last, lingering hit. "Naturally," he said, exhaling.

* * *

Once inside, Remus made a beeline for the bar as Sirius ducked into the restroom. The bar itself was rather lightly populated as most people seemed to be on the dance floor or seated at tall tables nearby to take breathers or people-watch, so Lupin was served quickly, ordering a shot of whiskey for Sirius and a double shot of vodka for himself.

He downed his before Sirius reappeared, feeling vaguely ashamed of how much he'd had. He retrieved a cup of water from the cooler in the corner and made the sacred, shaky vow so many people have made on a night out: _That was my last drink._

* * *

In the wash room, Sirius puffed out a short, impatient breath as he splashed water onto his face. He looked at himself in the mirror, tugging at his jacket and wriggling his shoulders.

 _Just do what feels right. Don't think too much. It's fine. Just be yourself._ He told himself, amazed at how anxious he felt.

When he emerged from the restroom and saw Remus standing by the water cooler watching the crowd, he realized he would have given anything to know what he was thinking. How was it possible for such a long-time friend to remain so mysterious? He didn't have time to dwell on this conundrum, as Lupin caught his eye and smiled, raising a shot glass and pointing to it.

A brief exchange followed as Black reached him and took the proffered alcohol.

"How much do I owe you?"

"Nothing. It's cheap."

"Aren't you having anything?"

"I already did. C'mon."

The duo edged around the dancefloor to put in their song requests, Sirius first, then Remus. They took seats at one of the tables.

A few songs went by as the pair watched the motley crowd. Most everyone seemed to be pretty well intoxicated and absorbed in whatever company they were with. It was an energizing and freeing atmosphere, as the music urged movement and the vibe of the crowd gave the impression that no one cared much what anyone else was doing.

The laid-back air of the place was immediately endearing to Sirius, who couldn't help but notice the stark difference between this and the family parties of his childhood. Those high-brow engagements also included alcohol and music, but everyone's political stance, wardrobe, and relationship status were under constant, narrow-eyed scrutiny. Even as a child, the quiet tension of those gatherings had been clearly palpable. Black found himself awash with gratitude to be done with such dreadful events forever, to have found true friends, and to be here, with Remus.

When Sirius' chosen song started, a smirk appeared on his face that quickly transformed into a goofy grin as Lupin met his gaze with a sly smile saying, "I knew it."

Black shrugged and hopped out of his chair. He wondered briefly when he'd become so predictable, but given the song's lyrics, he supposed in the end it was a simple guess.

* * *

 He stepped from side to side in time with the beginning of the song. As the lyrics started, Sirius mouthed the words to Moony with a fake pained expression and imploring gestures.

_**I've been running from it all my lifetime** _

_**There's nothing wrong with you, I'm searching for my right mind** _

_**Oh, you should've seen it they were resting on the restless** _

_**This happened, literally, woke up I was headless** _

_**I woke up I was headless** _

He made a throat-slitting motion, made more meaningful as the image of Nearly Headless Nick swam briefly to the forefront of both boy's minds.

The pureblood's demeanor shifted as the chorus started, turning more joyful. He flashed a warm smile to Remus as his shoulders bobbed and rolled.

_**Ah I'm-a make a deal with the bad wolf So the bad wolf don't bite no more** _

_**I'm-a make a I'm-a make a bad wolf I'm-a I'm-a Bad wolf** _

_**I'm-a make a bad wolf I'm-a I'm-a I'm-a make a deal with the bad wolf** _

_**So the bad wolf don't bite no more** _

Remus wondered how many times Black had listened to the song, as with precise timing he paused to swing his hair forward and back quite majestically.

**_Motherfucker I'll be back from the dead soon_ **

His hands came together and he peered at Lupin through the circle they formed.

**_I'll be watching from the center of the hollow moon_ **

Sirius continued his lip-synching serenade, the emotion on his face looking surprisingly sincere.

**_The earth below is above my feet when the clock is laughing at me_ **

**_When copy cats and the lazy brats are the last thing I want to see_ **

He edged closer to the werewolf, leaning in teasingly. A scarred hand reached out and shyly touched his hair.

**_No, my enemy is a friend of mine in a friendly place to be seen_ **

**_Hey, you know I'd run away for a couple years just to prove I've never been free_ **

Sirius winked at Remus before hopping back a few feet and shifting to sultry hip gyrations as a grumbly bass effect kicked in. He turned away dramatically, strategically avoiding Lupin's reaction.

Finally looking back towards Moony, Sirius shook his head as he mouthed the words.

**_They will never find me here_ **

**_They will never find me here, yeah_ **

His hair was wild and his eyes shone like happy, dirty diamonds in the dim and ever-shifting light of the club.

Remus thought of how amazing it would be if he and Sirius could run away together after school was over, or even right now- just vanish and hide away from nosy friends and angry families and whispers of war. But he knew it wasn't possible, and resolutely cut off the train of thought before it could ruin his mood.

 _Stay here, in this moment._ He coached himself. _This is a great night. You're lucky to have even one night like this, so just enjoy it. Just exist, here, with him._

**_I'm-a make a deal with the bad wolf So the bad wolf don't bite no more_ **

After a closing spin that was only a bit wobbly, Black bowed like a stage actor as the song started fading out, feeling quite accomplished at the mirth making Remus' eyes glow.

He gestured to the floor to indicate it was the sandy-haired boy's turn to perform. Lupin shook his head and shrugged as if to ask, 'How am I supposed to follow that?' but nonetheless he slipped off his chair and out of his jacket in a single seamless motion.

He tossed his coat at Black playfully, and it was caught just as the song began. Sirius mentally chastised himself for not guessing what was coming. Of course this was Rem's song.

* * *

During the brief intro preceding the lyrics, Remus paced back and forth in a small circle absently, getting a feel for the leisurely, bass-heavy tempo.

Black gripped the jacket in his arms tightly in anticipation, just managing to resist taking a whiff of the garment. He knew that if the lycanthrope could demand his attention when idle, anything he chose to do during the song would entrance him mightily.

**_I am a human being, capable of doing terrible things_ **

**_I am a human being, capable of doing terrible things_ **

Lupin leaned and swayed, looking all sinew and no bone. With his sharp jaw, dirty blonde hair, and tattered jumper, Black couldn't help but think of Kurt Cobain, and it was easily one of the most attractive things he'd ever seen, even in his dreams.

_**There's lightning striking all over the world** _

_**There's lightning striking all over the world** _

Remus raised his arms, alternating in rhythm each hand pointing outward. His eyes were closed, expression both focused and calm. His jumper was a bit short, and although Sirius felt guilty, that didn't stop him from stealing glances at the precious couple inches of his friend's exposed mid drift.

**_Ooh I am a human being, capable of doing terrible things_ **

**_I am a human being, capable of doing terrible things_ **

He spun around a couple times, with more precision and stability than Black had managed. A red spotlight created a fiery halo around his head.

He was now partially turned away from Padfoot. As the tension built up in the song, he bent his knees in increments until he was crouching, shoulder's shrugging in rhythm.

He jumped up and in Black's love-drunk mind he imagined the werewolf airborne for a full 5 seconds. His landing coincided with the dramatic change in tempo and tone the song was known for.

**_Run_ **

Rem's composure fell away. He was twisting, grinding, shaking like a man undone.

_**Oh oh oh** _

_**Hey hey hey hey** _

_**Hey hey hey** _

Sirius hardly realized he'd gotten out of his seat. Lupin was lost to the sound and didn't notice him until his hand fell on his shoulder.

At this contact, Remus jolted, turned, and practically pounced on Black, kissing him hard and possessively, but before Sirius could even properly react, he'd pulled away again. Head down and shoulders hunched, Lupin rushed straight out of the bar. Bewildered, Sirius grabbed the forgotten denim coat and hurried after him.

* * *

Inside, the crowd continued dancing, totally oblivious to the scene as the song came to an end.

**_You people are mistaken if you think that I'm awake and celebrating anything that I've become…_ **


	5. Apex

"Rem, wait, your jacket," Sirius called, jogging after the werewolf's retreating form.

His voice carried easily through the night air, which was almost shockingly quiet after the commotion of the bar. Black caught up enough to place the jacket on his shoulders, hands trailing down to rub his arms.

Remus shrugged violently and shoved him off. Caught off balance, Sirius actually had to catch himself against the brick wall.

"This is why I don't drink around you when the moon's so close," Lupin growled, pulling the jacket on roughly and continuing down the street. "You weren't supposed to show up out of nowhere like that."

His accusing tone unleashed hot anger into Sirius' blood like a direct injection.

"Hey, don't blame me for what's going on here! You're the one acting crazy!" Black shouted, pushing himself off the wall of the club.

This caused Remus to stop walking, and a sharp, dark laugh burst from him, exhalation visible in the cold. He turned on his heel and stormed up on Sirius with such intensity that he backed right back up into the wall. Lupin gripped Black by the front of his shirt, and electricity sparked when his fingers brushed his chest.

"Are you really so surprised?" He hissed.

His gaze flickered over his friend's startled expression, but before Sirius could respond he continued.

"No, I suppose it makes sense that you'd be caught off guard. You didn't know me when I was small, when I had less control…"

Sirius had enough presence of mind not to rub it in his friend's face just how out of control he was acting at that very moment, but in his shaken state he nonetheless couldn't help saying something almost just as foolhardy.

"What are you gonna do, fight me?" He challenged, forcing more bravado into his voice than he was truly feeling.

He'd instinctually tensed and puffed his chest out. His hands reflexively formed fists even though he knew he'd never lay a hand on Moony. In the back of his mind, he was deeply saddened that a small part of him doubted whether the feeling was mutual.

"Yes, Sirius," Lupin bit out. "I want to fight you."

His face was very close to Black's. Green eyes bore into grey as if trying to read his mind.

"Lord knows that would be easier," Remus said, and there was a sudden, strange sadness underneath his frustration, a sort of weariness.

"Easier? Easier than what?" Black breathed.

The pureblood felt hope stirring in his chest and struggled to quell it. That couldn't be what Remus was thinking, but the vivid memory of their most recent kiss told him differently. Surely he wasn't imagining the desire buried under his friend's agitation?

* * *

All at once, Lupin seemed to come back to himself. He blinked, letting go of Sirius' shirt as if it was threaded with silver.

"Never mind, I'm sorry. Just forget it," Remus said, voice dripping in shame. He shook his head and averted his eyes.

"It's not your fault; it's mine. I broke my own rule. I'm not myself." He rambled, turning to walk away.

"Oh, no you don't!" Sirius said and grabbed his wrist. He had no idea what he was doing, but he had to do something.

Remus froze at the contact. "Let go," he said in a dead, yet somehow pleading voice.

This only made Sirius want to hold on tighter, because the tone was familiar. It was a torn voice he often heard echoed in his own thoughts.

"No, stop using the moon as an excuse when you're finally letting yourself feel something all the way," Black said. "And while you're at it, stop using being drunk or high as an excuse, too."

Here Remus turned, anger and confusion plainly showing. The jumble of emotions on his face almost made him look like a different person. Sirius realized in that moment just how carefully neutral Lupin's face usually was.

Black cleared his throat shortly with a fleeting thought. _Prove you belong in Gryffindor, you sorry prat._

"I know you're using cop outs like that because I've been doing the same thing ever since we first kissed." Remus flinched and wrenched free from Black's grasp.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said lowly, and started walking away with more vigor. Sirius followed doggedly.

"You knew what happened the whole time, didn't you? Neither of us were that out of it."

Remus stopped walking, having blindly steered himself into a dead-end alley. He kept his back to Sirius.

"This isn't funny," he said, and the hurt in his voice felt like a snake wrapping around Sirius, making it difficult to breathe.

"Remus, look at me, please." Lupin turned around. His face had gone stony, hands shoved deep into his jacket pockets.

"I'm not laughing. I wouldn't joke about this," Sirius said.

A long pause settled heavily between them, wherein a soft, nearly invisible snowfall began. The lycanthrope took a deep, shaky breath.

"You remembered?" He said finally.

Sirius swallowed around the lump in his throat.

"I never forgot."

"You never… forgot?" Remus echoed, color draining swiftly from his face.

His legs appeared to become unsteady, as his knees bent slightly. He took a half step backward, then another. His eyes were like those of a cornered animal. His gaze focused over Black's shoulder, towards the only available escape route.

* * *

Lupin's fearful expression brought a grim feeling of déjà vu over Sirius, causing his chest to tighten up. He recalled the time five years prior when he, James, and Peter approached Remus about his mysterious disappearances. Black remembered seeing tears in his friend's eyes for the first time. Remus had fled, outpacing them easily.

In the end, though, he hadn't made it very far. Sirius remembered skidding around a corner to see Lupin slow, stumble, and collapse in a heap at the end of the hall. The stone corridor had seemed miles long at that point, but Sirius had reached him first, finding him pale and shaking, verging on unconsciousness from hyperventilation.

The pureblood had never witnessed such panic before, had never seen someone scared as if for their life. It was painful and terrifying, and Sirius made a silent vow that he'd do everything in his power to prevent Remus from ever feeling that way again.

* * *

"Please don't run, Remus. Please, it's okay." The werewolf just shook his head. His eyes told Black just how confused and hurt he'd been the past few months. He'd been feeling the same as Sirius himself.

"I'm so sorry I didn't say anything. I thought you forgot, or at least that you wanted to forget, so I played dumb," Sirius confessed.

His voice sounded alien to himself. It was quiet, but roughened around the edges with a depth of emotion he hadn't quite realized he was capable of. It was deeply unnerving, but he pushed forward.

"The kiss was… amazing, but I was scared and embarrassed. You go out with girls and—"

"It's a cover up," Lupin blurted, and he actually jumped slightly at his own words.

It was plain that this was the first time Remus ever admitted this, even to himself. Renewed hope bloomed inside Black.

"Rem-" he began, but was cut off.

"I was scared too, you know? More than scared," he said. Voice a bit higher than normal, he suddenly looked very young and small, face reddened from cold.

Carefully, Sirius closed the distance between them, his foot falls sounding unnaturally loud. He embraced his friend, and Remus didn't push him away, although he didn't relax or move his arms from his sides. Lupin seemed almost in a trance.

"You spend so long conditioning yourself… to be alone," he said through gritted teeth. "Use so much energy every day to drill it into your head that it's better for you, safer for everyone, if you just keep to yourself."

"Stay in control. Erase your feelings. Don't you dare think about how unfair everything is, because soon you won't be able to think of anything else." Uncharacteristic bitterness crept into his tone, and he caught himself raising his voice. He checked his anger with careful breathing.

Sirius wracked his jumbled brain for some sort of response, but before he could find one, Remus spoke again, voice softened into a monotone mumble.

"It doesn't matter how good you try to be, how helpful, or smart. It doesn't matter how cold and lonely you are, because you're not even… a person."

A shudder that Sirius could tell finally allowed tears to fall shook the body in his arms and he held on tighter. He moved one hand in slow circle, willing the motion to soothe his friend, meld together his broken pieces. Remus shifted, taking his hands from his pockets.

"Just having friends was a miracle. Anything beyond that…"

A broken shadow of laughter sounded in Sirius' ear. The soft, hopeless sound called burning tears to gather behind his eyes. Uncertain hands were on his back now, rubbing so gently up and down.

"I mean, that's just greedy, isn't it?" Remus said, the motion of his hands speeding up.

"I don't… I don't deserve that," Lupin gripped the leather of Sirius' jacket, arms squeezing convulsively.

"How could anyone… care enough?"

At last Black found his voice.

"Okay Moony, that's enough. You need to stop and listen to me, right now," he said firmly, and Remus fell silent.

"You deserve love more than most. You're a good person- and yes, I mean person. You're just a normal person with a terrible condition, and you handle it with more grace than any of us ever could."

"You don't know that," he answered lowly. "But I would never want you to have to find out, any of you."

"I know, and I know it's hard, but please try to believe me- you're more human than a lot of people. You're one of those rare people that cares at least a little bit about every single person they meet." Lupin didn't deny this point. He released a lingering sigh, arms relaxing a bit.

"Your view of yourself is terribly distorted if you think you're hard to love. It's simple, actually. Would you like a list of reasons? I have a list, you know." Remus brought his head down, chin landing heavily on Sirius' shoulder.

"There's no list," he mumbled.

* * *

Sirius cleared his throat, half for dramatic effect and half out of nerves. They were still holding each other, and Sirius was grateful that the close contact hadn't been broken, because he wasn’t sure if he had the guts to face Lupin just yet.

"I love the way you always give the bigger piece of chocolate away, how you treat books like little living things, never slamming them, sitting them away from the sun."

Lupin's grip on Black renewed its previous strength.

"And your voice… Merlin, I love the way you talk. It's so calm, but everything you say carries so much weight. Then there's the polite few seconds you wait after a tough question is asked in class, to give other people a chance. And you're so patient and encouraging when you're teaching someone something. Honestly, you're so brilliant it's kind of intimidating."

Remus rested his forehead on Black's shoulder, shaking his head.

"I love your sarcastic sense of humor, and how you're not afraid to use your wit to put someone in their place when the situation calls for it. Mind you, I don't exactly feel like I deserved that remark in the bar, about chasing pretty faces, but I'm willing to forget about it as long as it doesn't happen again."

Lupin was shaking with silent laughter now, which only encouraged Sirius. He patted his friend on the back excitedly.

"Oh! And that little frown that comes on your face when you find a gray hair in the mirror. I only wish you wouldn't pull them out because I think they give you character, and in time I can totally see you being a sexy silver wolf."

Remus threw his head back and laughed outright. He leaned back, hands moving to rest on Sirius' shoulders, squeezing. He was mostly composed when he finally met Black's gaze, but the intense emotion in his eyes quieted him instantly.

"I even love the things about you that seem bad," Sirius asserted, eyes absolutely smoldering. He tugged Lupin closer again, just a little suddenly, so that the werewolf gasped. Remus pressed himself against Sirius and his knees felt wobbly.

"I love how your eyes change with the moon. I love that you don't laugh easily, because when you do, it means so much more," Black whispered, nuzzling into Remus' neck.

"Your laugh is beautiful," he said.

Mouth a bit open, spilling brief warmth unto Lupin's skin, Sirius placed a kiss on his cheek, then his neck, but lower than before, nearing his shoulder. His lips teased the edge of the wolf's scar.

Remus was shocked that he didn't feel the urge to pull away at Black's boldness. He shivered as the sensitive area was reached.

Lupin hated his scars more than anything else about his body, but the scar of the wound that turned him stood out most. The gruesome talisman reminded him most starkly of the worst moment of his life. With its uneven texture it screamed at him, _You're a monster._ With its sickly brown hue it whispered, _You're broken._

Sirius' unflinching kiss felt like acceptance, a blessing and cleansing of his most despised feature. After so many years living with his curse, it was in that moment that Remus truly started accepting that he wasn't irrevocably ruined, that he may very well be whole and worthy.

"Your laugh is, without a doubt, my favorite sound in the world," Black murmured with a tinge of finality in his voice that conveyed that the time for words was over.

* * *

Sirius pulled back slightly to meet eyes with Remus again. One hand reached up to his neck, fingers tangling in his hair. He applied soft pressure, guiding Lupin to meet him. A low moan escaped from Remus, an exhausted, relieved sound. He curled an arm slowly around Black's shoulder while the other fell to wrap around his waist to pull him even closer, eliciting a pleased hum from the brunette.

Distantly, Remus thought there should not be any space or light between them. Their clothes and skin seemed to have become hindrances. Suddenly their bodies felt too solid. A dim, irrational anger unfurled in Lupin's gut at this realization, but it dwindled quickly like a sped-up film of a flower blooming brightly and then dying.

Finally, they kissed fully. It was a kiss whose energy was not timid like their first, and lacked the frantic spontaneity of the second. This kiss was steady, purposeful, and bright—like a deep swift river reflecting the sun—because at last their minds were clear and hearts wide open.


End file.
